BUCKET LIST

1. Teach in a school or college.
2. Get a book of short stories published
3. Sing ‘Roadhouse Blues’ on stage. Drunk.
4. Visit Woodstock.
5. Threesome :D
6. Learn parkour
7. Get in shape. 6 will help with 7 and 7 should help with 5.
8. Go to New Orleans and learn to play the sax or the bass.
9. Win something at Cannes…
10. Play Russian Roulette. Logically, this is the last on the list.

Over the hill.

I wanted to go for a movie. Firrst day first show. Just one of those crazy teenage whims you know. Im trying to convince my friends...take a look at the convo:


Auntie Lila says:
im going to get brain tumor
Auntie Lila says:
the kinda of hours im spending on the phone is not even funny. I hate this contrapetion. I prefer the old phones we had in my day
Auntie Lila says:
my cell and my ears are always hot. I am an old person

Auntie Lila just sent you a nudge with her walking stick.

Arvind says:
yeah
Arvind says:
so u in o wot
Arvind says:
10 at fun
Auntie Lila says:
any other show?
Arvind says:
chall na
Arvind says:
arre ill be too late to work man
Auntie Lila says:
in gaiety or something whre old people can sit? These young ruffians spoil my movie.
Arvind says:
one day you cant wake up?
Arvind says:
ill calll you

Auntie Lila says:
il let u know in a bit son


Auntie Lila just sent you a nudge with her walking stick.

Auntie Lila says:
can we go on saturday then?even auntie sheela will be able to come
Arvind says:
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
Arvind says:
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck fuuuuuuck fuuuuck
Arvind says:
first day first fuckin show
Arvind says:
why the fuck not
Arvind says:
fuuuuuuuuuuck
Auntie Lila says:
ooofff bad boy
where you learnt this devil language
todays kids no? all bleddy rascal mouths
Auntie Lila says:
do what u want beta!
Auntie Lila says:
10 is too early son. I take time to get off my bed with my back problem
Auntie Lila says:
if there is some show at 11 then fine
Arvind says:
11.15?
Auntie Lila says:
cool
Arvind says:
really
Arvind says:
Convince snitch na
Auntie Lila says:
where
Arvind says:
fun
Auntie Lila says:
where is it?
Auntie Lila says:
is there any show at gaiety or something?
Auntie Lila says:
he wil have to travel baba…don’t make an old man do that
Auntie Lila says:
if its in bandra it will be convenient for everyone…there is an old age house there
Auntie Lila says:
is there a strike tom?we old people can’t take buses.

Auntie Lila just sent you a nudge with her walking stick.

Auntie Lila says:
has the strike been called off?
Arvind says:
has
Arvind says:
yeah

Uncle Sam has been added to the conversation.

Auntie Lila says:
does this it easier?
Uncle Sam says:
yes this it easier
Auntie Lila says:
how much is the 11 show at fun?
Auntie Lila says:
is it dut chep too? My pension is meager son…the govt hates old people

Uncle Sam and Auntie Lila cry like old people.

Auntie Lila says:
pls remind me to call pension office tomorrow.
Uncle Sam says:
Okay. And you remind me to take my arthritis pills after my backache and piles medicine.




I think I need younger friends!

Market Meltdown Mayhem

You buy because I make you buy.
You eat because I make you eat.
You smile because I make you smile.
You do Pilates because I make you do Pilates.
You cry because I enjoy seeing you cry.

I am god. I am the devil. I am the alpha and omega of your world. I am Apple. I am Nike. I am Chanel No.5. I am Coca Cola. I am Microsoft. I am McDonalds. I am MasterCard. I am Prada. I am the neighbourhood mall. I am eBay. I am the multiplex. I am the 5.1 surround sound home theatre system. I am greed. I am desire. I am envy. I am what you want.

You’ve heard about the four horsemen of the apocalypse?
They’re me, me, me and you.

A ticket to redemption costs 3 rupees and 50 paise

I stub my cigarette and start climbing the stairs of the railway bridge. The planners on this place sure were a bunch of funny folk. They built the railway such that it passes bang through the centre of the place. Consequently, every area in the city is divided into the east and west. I work in the west and live in the east, so every evening I have to cross over by this bridge.

The bridge is normally full of people crossing over, railway ticket checkers waiting to fill their coffers with bribes from ticketless travelers, salesmen selling everything from pirated CDs to lingerie and a dozen odd urchins who pester you like the change in your pockets is their birthright. This night, the bridge was empty save one solitary beggar.

It didn’t shock me or anything. It was hardly odd, sort of pleasant in fact. A select few must have had the pleasure to see the bridge this empty. I paused for a second and took the view in and then resumed walking towards my destination.

The lone beggar sat at the east end. He saw me coming. I expected him to cry out for alms or wave his outstretched palm as the universal symbol for “Spare change?”. Strangely, he did nothing of the sort. He just sat there staring into me. Yeah, into me, not at me, into me.

I don’t know if it was the lack of sleep for 48 hours straight or the quarter of whiskey I’d downed that night but something right there, right then washed over me. My sight went blurred, I felt like I was moving without physically doing so. I moved ahead till I reached the old unwashed beggar. So close that I could feel see the lice in his matted hair, smell the stench of his foul breath. Then, I was him.

I was him. I could see what he saw, feel what he felt. I saw myself coming towards myself. A brat, with a confident strut, with his head up in the air, ears plugged with a costly music player. A guy who didn’t give a rat’s ass about the shit around him. He didn’t open his mouth but spoke volumes. He was sure that he had a hot meal and a warm bed waiting for him at home. He was sure that he would wake up the next morning and make it through the day, and the next and the next. Yet, he lived in a fake misery born out of envy and greed. Wanting that and this and everything in between. While I sat there knowing what true misery is.

I had become the beggar.

It was like an omen. I don’t know why but it felt like fate was telling me something. The next second I opened my eyes and I was myself again. The beggar was still staring at me with bulging faded eyes. I walked fast, almost broke into a run and dashed off the bridge.

Then, I did what is probably the strangest thing I’ve ever done. I walked bag to the beggar and emptied all the change in my pockets into his bowl. He was sleeping by then. He didn’t even wake up to acknowledge me. I know, he would probably spend all that on cheap country liquor and drugs, but something told me I had to give him my money. I was him. This act I’d like to believe, though I know it isn’t, was my ticket to redemption.

Perfect World

Arvind was sick of the world which he lived in. And for a reason too. There was just far too much sadness for one planet to handle. Terrorism had made everyone paranoid. Global Warming had everyone sweating in pools. Corruption no longer affected the system, it WAS the system. Commercialization and consumerism had molested the romance in every little thing. As Arvind oft used to say, “ It’s all too fucked up!”

So one fine grossly insignificant afternoon, this boy, nay man, decided to hitch a ride out of this world. He drank a hot cup of black coffee (1 cube of sugar), played Lennon’s Imagine on his music player. Then he took consumed a dozen sleeping pills. Calmly then he took a blade and slit his wrists, and ankles for good measure. Then hanging off a noose, he shot himself in the head. It didn’t hurt that much. He left behind a suicide note:

“I hate the world.” Nice and short, innit?

Arvind woke up on a park bench. A clean white park bench; no pan spittle or crowshit or footmarks on it. Around was a strange land. It was all green, with rolling meadows and lush green trees. Little pink and yellow butterflies fluttered around. There were a dozen odd people around him, pretty people at that. Extremely pretty. Everyone looked like a million bucks. No pimples, scars, bruises, crow feet, wrinkles or anything. All the men were tall, well built and agile. All the women had dark long lustrous hair, curvaceous bodies, full lips, twinkling eyes …what not! The men and women wore the same loose semi transparent white robes. They all were laughing and running about like little kids. In fact some of them were acting pretty strange. There was a woman who kept pulling out a man’s heart. She’d do that, he’d fall on the floor apparently dead only to stand up again and give out a hearty laugh. Then the woman would do it again. There was a man who kept falling from the sky. He’d fall, then jump back up to the moon and then fall again. Most people though just sat around in the shades of the trees singing, dancing or looking at pretty pictures on a big TV screen.

“ Hello there, we’ve been expecting you…”, Arvind looked up to see a large black man towering over him. The man strangely resembled Morpheus from the Matrix. “ I see you’re taking a look around”, said the man as he seated himself beside Arvind.

“ Huh, what where am I , who are you?”

“Ah!”,exclaimed the black man, “ I though you’d have figured that out already! You are in Perfectland. We are all people who left earth behind to reach this place. You will find that this is the world you’ve dreamt about…”

“Huh?Wha?” Arvind replied like a retard.

“You’ll figure everything out very soon. I will take your leave now.”, the man said as he got up to leave.

“Wait.. what do I do here”

“Nothing. No one does anything here in Perfectland.You want anything, just think about it…it’ll appear before you.”

Saying that the man left leaving Arvind alone to figure the world out.

…………………….

Arvind was tired of perfect land!!!

It’s too perfect. He is just fucking sick of the place. True, there was no hate but then there was no love either. No sadness but then no one was happy. No fear, but then all excitement and adventure is lost. No pain, no sorrow. No one dies, no one lives. He had to get outta here …

There must be another place around that was normal, he had to find the way out. He thought of a car, soon a shiny red SUV presented itself before him. He jumped in and d away.

Arvind had been driving for hours now, in no particular direction. He is determined to find an exit. He steers as his mind asks him to…intuition will find him a way…or so he hopes. Eventually he dozes off at the wheel.

Arvind woke up to a deafening crash. The car had stopped. He got out to examine the damage. Surprisingly he’s unscathed…not even a scratch on his body . The car though was heavily damaged. It’s piled up against a score of other cars which seem to have crashed in to a wall. It’s a long wall…a long endless wall. No way over it, no way under it, no way around it.

Arvind sighed and noticed a sign board by the road.

“Welcome to Perfectland”, it read.

The sign was battered and was peeling off the board. Having nothing else to do, Arvind walked over to it and peeled the sign off.

Then he laughed like a madman.

“Welcome to Hell.”, it read, underneath.

The Chaddi Chronicles

The tale starts in the dark and damp National College auditorium. ( The lights and AC were off ). An enthusiastic senior was trying to convince us BMM folks to buy a souvenir college T shirt. It is supposed to be a white piece with the college name/insignia at the back. A pointing finger…no not that one you idiot. And the tagline-

‘ R.D National BMM: Where were you?’

OK! That’s cool. But I wanted a different Tagline.

‘RD National BMM: CHADDI!’

And instead of the finger-there should be a chaddi.

It is here I would like to say, I have no qualms with the original design. I’m sure the makers put a whole lot of thought and effort into it. But then again- I’m a certified retard…seriously…I HAVE CERTIFICATES TO PROVE MY RETARDNESS!

Now this whole chaddi thing went rolling on from there. This is the birth of the chaddi jokes…the most inane kind of humor in the world…second only to Paris Hilton’s leaked tapes.

Here are a few chaddi jokes- It’s simple, replace a word in the name of any movie,book or song and voila you have a chaddi joke! Here it goes. Read them out aloud- it makes it funnier and also makes people around you doubt your sanity.

Schindler’s Chaddi , SAVING RYAN’S CHADDIES( Saving Pvt Ryan), Rang De Chaddi , Dil Chaddi Hai, CHADDI WARS: THE CHADDI STRIKES BACK, Hum Chaddi De Chuke Sanam, Hum Saath Chaddi Hain, I: Proud to be a Chaddi, Chaddi Connection, RGV KI CHADDI( RGV ki Aag), JAMES BOND: THE CHADDI IS NOT ENOUGH….

Or maybe substitute the word in dialogues:

Gabbar: Arre Oh Samba kitne Chaddi the?

Samba: Sarkar, Do…

Gabbar: Chaddi Do aur Aadmi Teen? Bahut Nainsafi Hai ….

Or in a song, or a convo or anything…..Let loose your imagination. Leave your chuddies and chaddi jokes in the comments.

I’d like to thank all the guys who sat with me cracking inane chaddi jokes. Fuck man, Get a life !!!

May the CHADDI be with you!

What? In the name of God.

I hail from a very funny land. They call it God’s Own Country. And its ruled by Atheistic Communists. A joke very often repeated among us Mallus. Yes, we like our dry wit.

Last week, the students of Kerala rejoiced over a long unannounced holiday. Why? Lemme relate the long unfunny tale-

The fresh new textbooks distributed to 12 year old students of the state contained had the following idea mention. I more or less quote-

“ Religion is not important. Children should be given a free reign to grow up to choose their own faith. Inter-caste and inter-religious marriages should be encouraged.”

This seemingly harmless statement has created a furore in the state. Various student organizations have forced schools to shut down and send pupils back home. Why? You ask? What’s so bad about the statement?

Well, many organizations feel the ruling Left are trying to inscribe their propaganda in the minds of young children. Remember ‘twas Marx who said, “Religion is the Opium of the masses”. The Left argue that such ideas are present even in the Centre monitored NCERT books, therefore there is no question of removing it.

So while the two parties fight it out, the rest of us Mallus rely on the coverage on TV and Newspapers to entertain us. Yes, we enjoy Black Humour too!